Small children sometimes have an amazing ability to bring their parents to the "boiling point" and only after that react to expressed commands, prohibitions, and instructions. In some families, talking in high tones has become so habitual that simple and quiet speech isn't even perceived.
Anger, irritation, and parents' screaming are attempts to win a lost battle, to at least show the child in this way that they're still in charge here.
But what is shouting for? Why get angry? What will you prove to a small child by this? Is this really where the strength of parental authority lies?
Let's consider an example from your life. You're driving in a speed limit zone of 30 km/h at a speed of 70 km/h. On your way, you meet a person dressed in police uniform without a car and radar, who is angry at you because of your fast driving and sends curses and threats your way. Will this screaming affect the speed of your movement? Most likely, you won't even pay attention to it. Not seeing the possibility of carrying out these threats, you forget about the incident. Next time this person in uniform will jump with anger seeing your fast driving and wave fists in your direction. Will this stop you? Most likely not. And if this is repeated daily, you'll even stop paying attention to it.
But then one day you're habitually driving fast, a police car overtakes you and commands you to stop. For some reason, you feel uncomfortable. You tense up and begin to regret that you didn't pay attention to the signs and the speedometer arrow. The inspector politely asks you to show your license and car documents. You nervously give them to him and carefully catch every word. And he calmly informs you that his radar recorded your fast driving on camera, and he's forced to fine you, deprive you of the right to drive a car until court proceedings, and put your car in a penalty parking lot. You ask for forgiveness in a pitiful voice, justifying yourself by saying you were hurrying somewhere, and he calms you down and says that walking is very healthy, and public transport isn't that expensive. You're asked to sign some protocol and peacefully released to go about your business, with your rights and car taken away in a known direction.
This representative of the city's higher authority didn't shout, didn't threaten, didn't get angry at you, but for some reason you didn't resist his authority and humbly accepted the verdict you deserved.
Shouting at a child is like devastating hail from which there's absolutely no benefit or blessing either to the shouting parent or to those listening to this noise. If you think that all means are good for achieving obedience, then in this case it's a very bad and poisonous means.
You won't achieve obedience by shouting but will cause irreparable damage to the child's psyche and force him to turn on protective mechanisms in his head that will protect him from the harm you want to cause him. The reaction to such parental behavior can be different, and much depends on the age and sensitivity of the little one.
What forces a child to show obedience isn't the strength of your anger, not skillfully selected threats of punishment, but your readiness to move from words to action. Children feel this boundary very clearly and, as a rule, don't bring matters to the "highest boiling point," not wanting to experience the action of punishment.
If I calmly established certain boundaries of behavior and monitor their observance, then I have the right to warn the child that he's approaching the forbidden line, after which I'll be forced to punish him. I have no need to get angry or shout to keep the little one from violation. I simply provide him with the opportunity to decide for himself what to do with my prohibition. He can make sure that I'm a strict dad or that it's good to be an obedient child.
Shouting at children destroys their trust in you, traumatizes their psyche, lowers their self-esteem, extinguishes their enthusiasm, changes their worldview, makes them capricious and stubborn, teaches similar behavior, makes it difficult to concentrate on complex subjects, leads to intemperance, causes various diseases, suppresses immunity and the body's protective properties, reduces curiosity, endows with internal complexes of inferiority and fear, deprives of the sense of security in their own home, develops guilt, disrupts empathy in understanding other people's needs, creates a distorted image of family happiness, forms a negative attitude toward authorities, causes problems with making responsible decisions, and brings much other evil and no benefit. This list can be continued, supporting it with vivid examples from life, but for some reason many parents choose precisely this path of upbringing and achieving obedience and discipline.
Love and friendly attitude toward children works miracles. Even in this state, a child with a strong will will want to test parental love to understand how strong parental prohibitions are and what this punishment looks like, but he doesn't plan to test your patience on a permanent basis.
Knowing that you love him, he will certainly return to the boundaries of this love to once again make sure that it's better and more interesting to live this way.
Let's recall the case with the policeman. What will happen to you if, seeing your repentance, the authority representative decides to pay your fine himself and show you mercy by returning your rights and car? Will you drive again at the usual fast speed since you're under grace, or will you drive so carefully after this that your driving won't cause anyone anger or fury? Mercy and forgiveness shown to children tell them about your love for them but don't teach that now everything can be violated with impunity. And your assurance that next time there will be no mercy doesn't make you tyrants in their eyes since they're sure they'll never act this way again and know that you love and forgive them.
Obedience from love for you doesn't wait for the extreme "boiling point" or transition to action. Children like obedience from love. The mind turns on the desire to do good for the sake of good, which contributes to the active release of happiness hormones, and it's very pleasant for the child's heart to experience this.
Calm instruction more convincingly influences consciousness than the scream of an authoritarian family head.
But if a child is accustomed to not reacting to a calm character of communication and shows persistent indifference to all rules, then he should be shown the strength of your action so that he's convinced that this line isn't as far as he thinks. Even though he may be indignant, don't let his noise disturb you. Next time he'll be more attentive to your requirements.
The sooner you win this victory of love in the battle between your will and the child's will, the calmer your child will feel in your company. Children need wise authority. They need someone who will set correct boundaries for them and teach them to respect these rules. Knowing their limits, children will calmly do everything they want within these conditions and feel protected and loved.
Questions for Reflection
Please read James 1:19-20; Eph. 4:26-32; Col. 3:8; Prov. 12:16; 19:11,18-19; 22:24; 29:11; 30:32-33; Eccl. 7:9; 9:17; Gal. 5:19-23 in light of this lesson. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind? What did you understand from this lesson? Did you discover something new for yourself? How does God's anger differ from father's and mother's anger? What benefit does shouting bring in raising children? Why are anger and shouting from parents a destructive tool of upbringing? What do you feel when your boss takes out his anger on you? Does the unjust anger or shouting of your parents remain in your memory? Why, even knowing about the harm of anger, do parents use precisely this method of influence? What should I do if I have an evil spirit in me and understand that it's destroying my family's happiness? What can be offered as an alternative to shouting and anger to achieve discipline? If shouting is the most ineffective and destructive tool of upbringing, why do parents use it so often? Should order be maintained in the house by Satan's methods? Do you know the power of love and how it can effectively work and achieve order and obedience?