In the Russian translation of the New Testament, God’s new commandment is expressed with words meaning, “Love one another.” The Russian words used for “one another” literally convey the idea of one person loving another, but I would like to deepen this expression and understand it as “a faithful friend loving a faithful friend.” The nature of the Russian language makes this possible. This definition contains the true principle of agape love, through which we have a deep relationship with one another that leads us into mutual friendship forever.
Love for another person contains an element of happiness, though at times it may be only one-sided. But love for a friend—especially one who responds with love arising from his own principle—brings a special joy to the heart.
Friends are different, and they have different characters. If I have several close friends who return my friendship, this does not mean that they also have warm relationships with one another. They may not even know each other, and after meeting, they may still form no close bond.
The commandment of love tells me that I must have agape love for my friend and that he must have agape love for me. Then this relationship will testify to the entire world that we are disciples of Christ. Unconditional friendship within this unconditional love is precisely the kind of relationship Jesus desires to see among us.
He is ready to teach this to everyone. I am not born with such knowledge, nor do I arrive at this understanding automatically. If I allow the Holy Spirit to change my heart so that I can love my friend, my mind automatically places a condition upon such a relationship—a condition beginning with “if.” I am ready to love you with agape love if you become what I believe you should be. This conditional attitude will reveal itself in all my relationships. But when I ask God to teach me to be a friend and to love properly, I see in the example of Jesus unconditional love and heartfelt affection for those who allowed Him to know them. I decide to apply the same principle in my own life. I see God opening before me boundless possibilities and the indescribable love of His ocean of love. The seal of God’s approval adheres very well to a solid surface that does not change with moods or circumstances.
A friend is not my personal property given to me by God as a gift of life in Jesus. A friend is a free individual with his own characteristics and rights. The status of friend describes the relationship between us, but it does not mean that our property and money have become common possessions. Friendship does not even imply that the members of our families have now become friends. Friendship is you and me, joined by a one-sided or mutual decision to be friends. At the same time, we respect the boundaries of friendship to which each of us has a right.
Here is an example. One day, I was working near my friend’s home and, without thinking, said that I would now come to his house for lunch, although I had no intention of actually doing so. He responded very sharply that while he was away, I had no right to cross the threshold of his home. I was surprised by such a harsh response, took note of the warning, and afterward never again even hinted that I might have any contact with the members of his household. I have maintained that distance to this day. Another friend, however, earnestly asks me to communicate with his wife because afterward peace, love, and mutual respect return to their home. I gladly do so when nothing prevents it. Having had such different experiences, I cannot offer a universal rule for relationships with friends. But I understand that those relationships must remain within the boundaries of personal freedom established between us.
When I board the train of trust, I do not check my mind as baggage. I have friends who once decided that all my possessions were our common property, while everything they possessed remained their private property. Since I live in Germany, they believed I was obligated to provide for their well-being. Such an approach to friendship tells me that they see me as a free gas station. I must gently explain to my friends that even in Germany, there are different people who live in different ways. Even if I possess something, I alone have the right to decide what I can give to someone or present as a gift.
The same applies to spiritual matters. I have my own personal understanding and order for arranging my life—how, when, and for how long I should do one thing or another. My personal relationship with Jesus belongs only to Him and me. No one else can enter that relationship except through prayer. Yet in all these matters, I also listen to what my friends say, desire, expect, or advise.
We influence one another, and at times this helps us do very good things that would never have been accomplished alone. But not every friend is competent in every matter. If my friend wants to help me with electrical work without understanding it, I would rather turn to an unbelieving specialist who can resolve the problem professionally. In the spiritual sphere, however, I can ask for help or offer help myself even when I am not an expert, while learning from Jesus to do something I have never done before. The Lord will teach me. Even learning friendship must begin at some point. Throughout this process, it is very important to be honest with one another.
For example, my friends sometimes tell me that they know I am continually praying for them, and they thank me for it. I prayed for them when there was a need, but I do not do so without ceasing. Yet I do not want to disappoint them, so I simply remain silent, burning with shame because I have betrayed their confidence in me and dreaming that I will certainly correct myself. But when I am honest, I tell them everything as it truly is and try not to bind myself with long-term obligations. At times, this saddens my friends and disappoints their expectations of me.
I do not want to play the role of a super-friend. I understand that I am a weak person with my own views on life and relationships. At the same time, I very often need to examine my heart and ask God to remove dangerous deficiencies and flaws. And I am learning. Even the principles of faithfulness, unconditionality, and constancy did not come to me without a struggle. At times, I wanted to break off everything with someone and forget him forever, but the Lord showed me that He does not treat me that way. The learning process in the School of Love does not always bring me joy and pleasure. Sometimes I complain to Jesus about the difficulties I encounter because they are too much for me. Then He extends His hands to me, as though asking whether I desire to receive such a reward for my love and friendship. I humble myself and understand that I still have much to learn.
Close friends are people who share a trusting relationship, but this does not make me another person’s shadow. Even Jesus respects my freedom and the desires of every person. How humbly He offers the riches of Heaven, and how joyfully He shares them with those who long to receive them.
Friendship and friendliness are gifts from Heaven. They are worth asking for and learning. Once we have learned them, we should pass them on to others, making those people our friends. It is a miracle when a stranger enters your life as a friend and takes his place in your heart for the rest of your life. What could be better? Only mutual love for one another according to the commandment.
Bible Verses for Reflection
Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, 12; Revelation 3:20; John 15:17; 17:26; Philippians 2:3; 1 John 1:7; Proverbs 8:33–35; Isaiah 58:7–11; Luke 16:9–10; 1 John 3:23.