We read in Amos 3:3: "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" Unity of parents in the matter of upbringing and especially in the area of punishing children must unambiguously be present. Special power of influence lies in this union, and God is interested in using united people as His representatives.
A child's character is like a small stream in a valley that strives toward a certain goal and seeks for itself those paths of least resistance along which it could pave its way, in order to then calmly flow along its channel and absorb into itself everything it comes into contact with. This stream, meeting any obstacle, doesn't destroy it, but calmly accepts it as a given and seeks ways to go around it in order to flow further.
While the stream is small, one can very easily give it direction, laying out channels for it and collecting it into small lakes. But the further this stream flows, the more full it becomes, rapidly gaining speed and capturing new spaces. And it's no longer afraid of any obstacles. It independently makes decisions on overcoming all difficulties.
And if you look at the initial path of this stream, you understand that if it had been given another direction, it might never have been where its waters now swiftly flow.
Children feel and understand very well how firm the laws and rules are in their family. Without executive power all these orders have a recommendatory character and are only capable of giving useful information. And the child already decides for himself how much he needs to be obedient and where he can show self-will. But when childish egoism meets some boundary beyond which certain punishment awaits him, it's not difficult for him within these frameworks to give direction to his interests and simultaneously seek a loophole to dive unpunished into the world of the forbidden.
When one of the parents has one opinion or view on punishment execution, and the other has a completely different point of view, then the child very quickly uses this situation in his interests and takes that position that most suits his fleshly nature, or from which there's nowhere to go when dealing with tyrannical authority. And the baby isn't to blame for the fact that his parents can't agree with each other and come to common opinion in the matter of discipline. By his childish nature he simply tries to determine what his dad and mom want, and if they don't have agreement, then he makes decisions himself and establishes himself in them.
Parents' ignorance in the matter of upbringing and punishment will necessarily periodically create conflicts, which children will witness. It's very foolish and dangerous to defend your rightness in children's presence or show disagreement with some action of your spouse. Even winning in an argument won't bring the proper effect that can be achieved only in complete unity and agreement.
When the mother thought up punishment and began to implement it, and the father intervened and began to protect the disobedient child, considering that he's still small, at this moment the child's mind immediately noted an ally for itself, and next time the child will invariably seek protection under daddy's wing.
Or if the father understood that the baby's crime should be punished by standing in the corner, and the mother considers that this shouldn't be done and demonstratively leads the violator to freedom, then the child gets confused in understanding discipline, but sees in mom's face his protector and will necessarily seek protection from her at the next threat of punishment.
By their disagreements parents drop each other's authority, and then are surprised at their children's self-will and whims.
Even if one of the parents is wrong, this shouldn't be revealed in the presence of younger family members. But if there's no way to restrain oneself, then it's necessary to wisely approach solving this question.
There are some religions that present Jesus as cruel and demanding in His claims to law violators. But here His mother comes on the scene and begins to intercede for the sinner, maternally softening just anger through intercession requests of the sinner himself or his relatives, and she convinces Jesus not to impose punishment on the guilty but to forgive him for her name's sake. People who have seen such a picture in their parents very quickly accept such religion, deifying maternal love that covers everything. From here we see how much evil and unbelief progresses on our earth.
I agree that a mother perceives any action against her child as action against herself and sympathizes with the child sometimes more than the child himself worries about this. This is how women are made, and this needs to be understood. But in the matter of punishment one shouldn't rely on one's feelings and forgive everything, just so as not to cause pain to the violator. Pain of punishment or loss or limitation very clearly shows the sinner that such a path promises nothing good, and wise instruction from father or mother provides the best way out of any dead end.
Children are very clever in their development, and their imagination can paint anything for them. Seeing disagreement between dad and mom, they will necessarily use this for their purposes. For example, mom forbade snacking, and the son runs to dad and convinces him that he needs to eat. The father, without consulting mom, gives approval, just so he won't be distracted from interesting correspondence. Mom hears noise in the kitchen and catches the violator red-handed, and he boldly points to father and makes him an accomplice to his crime. The father, instead of understanding the son's cunning and punishing him, begins to defend his right to be head of the family and the necessity of considering his decisions. And the son gladly supports such headship within this case. Parents begin an argument, and "Vaska listens and eats."
When there are agreed rules in the house, it's very simple for father or mother to reveal little schemers' cunning and conduct an explanatory conversation with children. Even their busyness won't be an obstacle in determining violation. And children understand and accept this, realizing that there are no loopholes in parental defense.
Usually when a child asks permission for this or that matter, I'm interested in what mom said. And if she hasn't decided anything yet, I ask to first find out her opinion, and if she allows me to make the decision, then I give approval and ask to necessarily inform mother about this.
It's difficult for the baby to struggle against parents' unity.
Even if I see that wrong permission was given for something, or punishment was unfair, I don't hurry to intercede or cancel the decision made by my wife. Not because I'm indifferent, but because by this action I drop the mother's authority and open doors for even greater evil.
We discuss all our disagreements far from children, not bringing our feelings and opinions to their view, thus carefully preserving our parental authority from destruction within the family.
It's not difficult for children to accept that way of life that's led in their house. They consider this the norm and form their worldview precisely in these relationships, the example of which is constantly before their eyes.
The importance of unity destroys the enemy of the soul's plans not only in church society, but in any family.
Questions for Reflection
Please read John.17:11,21-23; Rom.15:5-7; Eccl.12:11; Ezek.11:19-20; 1Pet.3:8-13; Acts.1:14; 2:1; 2Cor.13:11; Phil.2:1-5 in light of this lesson. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind? What did you understand from this lesson? Why is it so important for parents to be united in raising children? Does unity in the family teach us to be equally united in church? Who gives unity and where does it arise from? Why is it so important for father and mother to be able to agree with each other about everything? What benefit do disagreements bring to the family? And why are there so many of them then? Do you think children see our unity in upbringing principles? How will children feel if behavior rules and home laws constantly change? Why is God sometimes called the God of order? 1Cor 14:33: "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." What benefit does father and mother's unity bring to the family? And why is there so little of this? How to achieve unity in the family if it doesn't exist? What will unity with the child but disagreement with the husband lead to?