Once I heard a story that in Japanese culture they don't say the word "no" directly. This surprised me. I tried to imagine my life without this word and couldn't. Direct refusal of certain things and relationships has so permeated my consciousness that I can pronounce this word without thinking. Once a girl from Japan began attending our church, and after some time she decided to join our brotherhood and share our faith and teaching with us. In conversation with her I decided to clarify whether it's really true that in Japan it's not customary to give a negative answer. She confirmed that this was so, and that people find many other expressions to make you understand their denial of something. I noticed that this sister also never says the word "no," but finds many other expressions with similar meaning. It would seem, what's the difference, but sometimes direct refusal or disagreement can very strongly damage relationships and wound the heart.
Seeing how our daughter grows quickly, begins to understand more and more and very often shows self-will, we thought about how to learn to manage her desires without creating complexes and fears in her. We understood that this little person is learning the world of tastes, sounds, smells and touch. She's interested in touching, trying and breaking everything. She wants to climb everywhere and participate in everything. And she does this not out of mischief, but because this program of learning the world is laid into her. She can listen to the same story several times a day for days on end, and then ask us to tell it again. She has more energy in one little finger than in my entire body, and she's capable of being in motion all the time she's awake. And we decided not to diminish this energy, but to direct it in the right direction.
Understanding the child's need to learn about everything and desire to participate in everything, we chose for our daughter those activities that we considered necessary and developing. There's no television in our house, and we weren't planning to have one. It wasn't in our plans to allow Satan to teach our daughter about life in this world, so we asked all our relatives, whom we visited, not to turn on the TV in the child's presence. We also decided not to give our daughter a phone and to use it ourselves so as not to teach the child that there's something more important there than she is.
Offering our little family member some next activity or entertainment, we tried to explain its benefit, the rules of the game and our joy if our daughter would join us too. She gladly supported our initiative and very quickly changed all her plans in response to our assurances.
We saw that sometimes our child showed some anger or irritation regarding certain problems, and understood that she couldn't yet distinguish good from evil, and therefore tried to explain to her how to react correctly in this or that situation, and why it's not worth getting angry or scolding about something.
When she chose an activity that we didn't like or that could create a safety threat, we didn't forbid her to do it, but tried to switch her interest to other things and offer her an alternative in another sphere of activity.
When I came home from work, and my wife told me about all her problems and conflicts with our daughter, I didn't want to be a gendarme with a club and engage in solving problems through punishment, especially since our daughter always met me with joy and ran into my arms to hug me with her arms and legs. When my wife had days of struggle, she would sigh with relief, making it clear that she needed a short rest and reboot, and when she was the victor, she gladly shared her successes on the children's front and where she managed to establish the banner of love and win new territory.
Our daughter perfectly understood that we loved her and wished her happiness and well-being in everything, so she willingly cooperated with us in her upbringing, and when we presented claims to her on some questions, she, seeing their justice and our love, accepted reproofs and tried to behave differently.
Knowing how many kitchen appliances could be dangerous for our daughter's health, we always removed them from her reach and explained to her that it would hurt or be hot if she touched or used this. But it was unclear to her what this meant. But one day I turned on the burner on the stove and decided to heat water. My daughter was fussing nearby, and when I moved the hot kettle aside, she decided to check the surface of the working stove for interesting objects and put her palm right on the hot stove, wanting to find a free object. This happened so quickly that I didn't have time to react and protect our daughter from the burn. The body's reaction to a very hot object was piercingly loud. I immediately grabbed our daughter's hand, but it was already too late. My wife ran into the kitchen in fear and immediately understood everything. And our daughter cried loudly, lamenting: "Ow," and couldn't be comforted. We didn't know what to do in case of a burn and began pouring cold water on her hand. But our daughter cried loudly and wasn't going to calm down even in her mother's arms. A doctor lived across from our house, and we decided to turn to him for help. He was at home, quickly understood the essence of the problem and gave us burn ointment that caused anesthesia. Our daughter felt better and began to calm down. After this incident our little "world explorer" avoided the stove by a meter, and when we said "hot" about something, she immediately lost interest in this thing, understanding what awaited her in case of disobedience. Pain quickly teaches good manners, but it wasn't in our plans to cause pain to the child for success in upbringing. However, the Lord allowed situations when pain proved our rightness. But this was rather an exception than a rule.
We decided to always overcome evil with good. And when we saw that our child was doing something wrong, we immediately thought up a more useful activity and directed all our daughter's interest and enthusiasm in the right direction, convincing and explaining to her that there were more fascinating activities that she would really like.
There were also such moments when our daughter absolutely didn't want to do what we offered her, and began to cry loudly when we didn't give her the opportunity to carry out her plans. Then we had to take her in our arms and tell her how beautiful the surrounding world was, what interesting cars were around us, how green color differed from white and think up much else to distract her attention from the unnecessary and interest her in the useful, while praying to ourselves for God's help. Although sometimes it was very difficult to solve such questions quickly, persistence and love did their work, and the child gave up and calmed down.
We understood that if we didn't plant and cultivate good morals and useful habits in our daughter's heart, the enemy of the soul would quickly sow this place with his seeds, which we very much didn't want, and therefore we tried to do everything possible on our part to neutralize the action of evil.
Questions for Reflection
Please read Rom.12:10,21; Ps.33:12-17; 77:3-8; Gal.4:1-3; Col.3:20-21; Prov.8:32-36; 31:28; Eph.4:29; James.1:19; Is.8:18; Luke.1:80 in light of this lesson. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind? What did you understand from this lesson? Why are prohibitions and restrictions not the best method of upbringing? What is more difficult, simply forbidding something to a child or offering him something else and interesting him in it? How does the Lord teach us obedience? Through prohibitions or through various types of service? Should one force a child's will if he doesn't want something? Is it necessary to learn to overcome evil with good? Do you think the reality of convincing a child differs from what we study here? Why is it always easier to authoritatively forbid something without giving an alternative than to occupy a child's mind with something useful? What should I do if I see a child's activity as dangerous for the soul, but don't know what to offer as an alternative? Should I bear responsibility for the correct occupation of other people's children who come to visit me with their problems? Do children like those who engage them in interesting and useful activities? Should children be explained what is good and what is bad, directing their steps on the paths of truth?