To see the full beauty of friendliness, we need to reflect on Who Jesus was when He lived in our world. God came to us and became Man in order to reveal, in mortal flesh, the true character and love of the Almighty. No angel could have revealed God’s love and His friendliness to people as clearly and understandably as Christ did.
As I study the life of Jesus, I see how sociable, kind, and friendly He was. If I were asked to describe the qualities my friend should possess, I would most likely describe someone who, by every standard, resembled my Savior. There is, however, one difficulty that troubles many people. Even if my friend is imperfect, I can see, hear, and touch him. Jesus is better than anyone in the world, yet He is invisible and intangible and can be perceived only by faith and in the imagination. Nevertheless, when my spiritual problems need to be resolved, no visible friend can help me as the invisible Jesus can. The very best advice an earthly friend can give when difficulties arise is this: “Let us ask Jesus to solve this problem and help us stand firm.” And the Lord helps.
The spirit of friendliness is difficult for many people to understand. I often find myself in situations where I speak to my friends about my friendship, and each person understands me according to how guarded and informed he or she is. I am willing to build relationships within the bounds of my understanding and within the degree of freedom my friends desire to have with me.
Every friendship has stages, and it is worth understanding them so that we do not confuse depth with superficial contact. If I am not permitted to develop a relationship, this does not mean that I am unfriendly or that my neighbor lacks a friendly spirit. It simply means that the freedom within our friendship is unwilling to risk rejection. The higher the stage, the more painful it is when you are rejected or when your openness is used against you. Few people are ready to take the risk of opening their hearts to the deepest level of a relationship. Remaining guarded helps them avoid the pain of rejection. In that case, the safest friendship can be only with Jesus. He never causes pain without a purpose, nor will He cast out those who come to Him.
Let us consider these stages of friendship. I learned about them in a seminar, and I am sharing them with you.
1. Greeting. I greet you, and you respond in the same way. There is a risk that you may not answer. That is unpleasant, but bearable. I have encountered situations in which I extended my hand for a handshake and was deliberately rejected, leaving me with many questions.
2. Exchanging facts and information. I may ask, “How are you? How are you feeling?” or something similar, or suggest that we share some news or events. A dialogue begins, and we exchange information about life, world problems, or insects. A pleasant conversation develops in which we may discuss mosquito problems or matters of global importance. Yet all my attempts to begin a dialogue may be met with silence.
3. Opinions and judgments. In our casual conversation, I take a risk and express my point of view on a particular issue, while remaining willing to hear my friend’s opinion as well. We begin sharing our thoughts and arguments and may even consider certain controversial questions, disagree about something, or criticize something. Rejection becomes more noticeable here because it may wound my pride or make my friend uncomfortable. Sabbath School is built upon this kind of interaction, where everyone is invited to participate and share an answer.
4. Sharing feelings. At this stage of the relationship, a desire arises to understand a friend’s feelings—to speak heart to heart and share personal experiences. This is risky, but it is the only path to depth in a relationship. When I understand what my friend feels and share what I feel, an affection of the heart develops between us. Our hearts open, and we allow one another to explore our inner experiences and even help resolve certain problems. Every emotionally healthy person needs a close friend like this to meet this spiritual need. If people have no such friends, they seek a psychologist and are willing to pay someone to listen to all their experiences, simply to find an outlet for their feelings. Those who have suffered the pain of rejection at this stage of friendship tend to close themselves off from everyone and allow no one into their inner world. They do not want to know their friends more closely, and later they themselves suffer because of it.
5. Sharing mistakes and shortcomings. Admitting guilt. At this stage, I take a risk and speak about my inadequacy, my failures, and the spiritual shortcomings that spoil my life and bring many problems into it. I am also willing to listen if my friend wishes to share his own mistakes with me. We pray for each other, comfort one another, forgive, repent, rejoice, and become free. At this stage, a proud heart can very quickly inflict an emotional wound, and therefore few people venture into such depths of trust. Sometimes, when you open yourself in this way, you feel naked, and the last things you want to hear are ridicule and gossip directed at you. Yet I am willing to accept even this, knowing that not everyone will accept me as I am. When teaching others, I always want to set an example of good conduct. The very thought of publicly admitting my mistakes is terrifying because my influence and authority may sink to the point where I am rejected and regarded as a failure and an empty talker. Yet my desire for a deep relationship moves me to take even this risk.
6. Allowing my friend to point out my mistakes. If I gather the courage to speak about my failures and shortcomings, I already take a great risk. But when I allow a friend to point out my mistakes, I take the enormous risk of being judged unfairly or of exposing my heart to constructive criticism that may be inappropriate or biased, causing me pain and perhaps even influencing my behavior and changing my character.
This kind of friendship is usually found within families. If people communicate in a spirit of love and understanding, with mutual courtesy and respect, the union of two hearts becomes very strong and joyful. But if one person decides to act in a way that violates the freedom of his or her life partner, the relationship breaks down, and the resulting pain causes immeasurable harm to the soul, plunging it into many sorrows.
Respect for another person’s freedom must be present at every stage of friendship. I may explore and test these boundaries, but I must not violate them. God forbids me to intrude into another person’s life. Yet through my own openness, I can offer my friend a deeper relationship.
7. Having no secrets. Few people allow a friend to enter this stage of friendship. Perhaps it is reached in some families, and here rejection by a friend is equivalent to a catastrophe: the soul closes itself forever and to everyone. Casual friends are not admitted here, and even those closest to us do not have access to this private space. But this stage of friendship is open to God. It is here that I come to know the depth of His love, acceptance, and trust. God also reveals His secrets to me. I believe in Him and rely upon Him forever.
Bible verses for this chapter:
Psalm 111:3; Zechariah 9:16–17; Song of Solomon 5:16; Philippians 2:3; Mark 9:35; Proverbs 25:17; 27:10, 14; John 13:34