To see the full beauty of friendliness, we must consider Who Jesus was when He lived in our world. God came to us and became a Man in order to reveal in mortal flesh the true character and love of the Most High. No angel could have revealed God’s love and His friendliness to humanity as clearly and understandably as Christ did.
As I study the life of Jesus, I see how sociable, kind, and friendly He was. If I were asked to describe my friend and the qualities he should possess, I would most likely describe someone who, by every standard, resembled my Savior. There is, however, one difficulty that troubles many people. Even if I have an imperfect friend, I can see, hear, and touch him. Jesus is better than every person in the world, but He is invisible and intangible, and I can perceive Him only through faith and imagination. Yet no visible friend can help me resolve my spiritual problems as the invisible Jesus can. And the very best advice any earthly friend can give when difficulties arise will be: ‘Let us ask Jesus to resolve this problem and help us stand firm.’ And the Lord helps.
The spirit of friendliness is difficult for many people to understand. I often find myself in situations where I speak to my friends about my friendship toward them, and each person understands me according to the degree of his openness and knowledge. I am prepared to build relationships within the framework of my understanding and within the boundaries of the freedom my friends desire to have with me.
Every friendship has stages, and it is worth understanding them so that depth is not confused with superficial contact. If I am not permitted to develop a relationship, this does not mean that I am unfriendly or that the other person lacks the spirit of friendliness. It simply means that the freedom within our friendship does not wish to risk rejection. The higher the stage, the more painful it is when you are rejected or when your openness is used against you. Few people are willing to take the risk and open their hearts to the deepest level of a relationship. Remaining guarded helps avoid the pain of rejection. In such a case, the safest friendship can be only with Jesus. He will never cause pain without a purpose, nor will He cast out those who come to Him.
Let us consider these stages of friendship. I learned about them in a seminar and am sharing them with you.
1. Greeting. I greet you, and you respond in the same way. There is a risk that you will not answer. This is unpleasant, but bearable. I have encountered situations in which I extended my hand for a handshake and was deliberately rejected, leaving me with many questions.
2. Exchanging facts and information. I may ask, ‘How are you? How are you feeling?’ or something similar, or I may suggest sharing news or recent events. A dialogue begins, and we exchange information about life, global problems, or insects. A pleasant conversation develops in which we can discuss problems with mosquitoes or matters of worldwide importance. Yet all my attempts to begin a dialogue may be met with silence.
3. Opinions and judgments. In our superficial interaction, I take a risk and express my point of view on a particular issue, while remaining willing to hear my friend’s opinion as well. We begin sharing our thoughts and arguments. We may even consider controversial questions, disagree about something, or subject something to criticism. Here rejection becomes more noticeable, because it may wound my pride or make my friend uncomfortable. Sabbath School is built upon this level of interaction, where everyone is encouraged to participate and share his answers.
4. Sharing feelings. At this stage of a relationship, a desire arises to understand a friend’s feelings, speak heart to heart, and share one’s experiences. This is dangerous, but it is the only path to depth in a relationship. When I understand what my friend feels and share with him what I feel, an emotional bond develops between us. Our hearts open, and we allow each other to explore our inner experiences and even participate in resolving certain problems. Every normal person needs such a close friend in order to meet this spiritual need. When people have no such friends, they seek a psychologist and are willing to pour out their experiences for money simply to find an outlet for their feelings. Those who have suffered the pain of rejection at this stage of friendship tend to close themselves off from everyone and allow no one into their inner world. They do not want to know their friends more closely, and afterward they themselves suffer because of it.
5. Sharing mistakes and shortcomings. Admitting guilt. At this stage, I take the risk of acknowledging my inadequacy, my failures, and the spiritual shortcomings that spoil my life and bring many problems into it. I am also willing to listen to my friend if he wishes to share his mistakes with me. We pray for one another, comfort, forgive, repent, rejoice, and find freedom. At this stage, a proud heart can inflict an emotional wound very quickly, so few people venture into such depths of trust. Sometimes, when you open yourself in this way, you feel naked, and the last thing you want is to hear mockery and gossip directed at you. Yet I am prepared to accept even this, knowing that not everyone will accept me as I am. When teaching others, you always want to present those around you with an example of good conduct. The very idea of publicly admitting your mistakes fills you with horror because your influence and authority may fall to the level at which you are rejected and regarded as a failure and a mere talker. Yet the desire for a deep relationship moves me to take this risk as well.
6. Allowing someone to point out my mistakes. If I summon the courage to speak about my failures and shortcomings, I am already taking a great risk. But when I allow a friend to point out my mistakes, I take the enormous risk of being judged unfairly or exposing my heart to constructive criticism that may be inappropriate or biased. This may cause me pain or even influence my behavior and change my character.
This level of friendship is usually found within families. If communication takes place in a spirit of love and understanding, with mutual courtesy and respect, the union of two hearts becomes very strong and joyful. But if one person decides to act in a way that violates the freedom of his or her life partner, the relationship breaks down. The resulting pain causes immeasurable harm to the soul and plunges it into many sorrows.
Respect for another person’s freedom must be present at every stage of friendship. I may explore and test these boundaries, but I must not violate them. God forbids me to intrude into another person’s life. Yet through my own openness, I can offer my friend a deeper relationship.
7. Having no secrets. Few people allow a friend to enter this stage of friendship. It may be reached in some families, and here rejection by a friend is equivalent to a catastrophe: the soul closes itself forever and to everyone. Casual friends are not admitted here, and even the closest people have no access to this private space. But this stage of friendship is open to God. It is here that I come to know the depth of His love, acceptance, and trust. God reveals His secrets to me, and I believe in Him and rely upon Him forever.
Bible Verses for Reflection
Psalm 111:3; Zechariah 9:16–17; Song of Solomon 5:16; Philippians 2:3; Mark 9:35; Proverbs 25:17; 27:10, 14; John 13:34.