The journey within myself brings no particular joy in life, either to me or to those around me. Nor do I find anything within myself that could be presented to the world as something amazing. But in this unusual state I found the One Who loves me very, very much, accepts me with joy, and reveals to me the depth and essence of very interesting things and facts. Yet I understand that it is not worth remaining within myself for too long and that this journey should come to an end.
My relationship with Jesus brought into my life a deeper understanding of God’s will concerning me, concerning the Church, and concerning ministry.
I suddenly began to realize clearly that the ministry I performed at the third stage of faith was more like service to myself. As ashamed as I may be to admit it, I greatly enjoyed the way those around me regarded my ministry. Their delight and praise for my successes in God’s work were a powerful driving force behind my enthusiasm, and applause gave me such a powerful incentive that I was ready to labor tirelessly day and night. But it was precisely this excessive enthusiasm that led me to inner burnout. I misjudged my strength and realized that I was very weak, and it was very difficult for me to admit this.
After spending time within myself, I understood a great deal, and I believe that I set my priorities correctly. But the Lord draws me farther; my spiritual growth is not finished. He brings me to the fifth stage of faith and invites me to enter it.
5. The Journey Outward.
I understand that I must return to my ordinary affairs, which I did not cease doing during all this time, or which I set aside for a period of rethinking; but I should return to them with a clearer understanding of what is taking place.
I am in God’s service, and He evaluates everything I do differently from the way people do. It is very important for me to know what He thinks of me and how He sees what I do. The opinions of those close to me are very valuable if they help me see my mistakes and missteps, but praise, admiration, and applause do not interest me, although I do not prevent others from expressing this joy.
I am in God’s service, and everything I do, I do for Him.
My approach to things becomes more conscious and balanced. I understand that not every work called God’s work is suitable for me or produces the expected effect. I have learned to weigh and analyze. I am more attracted to the depth of the relationships between brothers and sisters in all these activities, and if working together does not lead us to friendship and understanding, then we should find the cause and remove it.
God’s approval is the chief incentive that moves me. Whether the work is great or small is not so important, for I am not the one who blesses it and grants success, but the One Who prompted me to perform this labor and to do it continually, from a pure heart. At the same time, I am not deprived of the right to choose, and I recognize my responsibility before Him.
I reconsider many kinds of ministry and look at which of them is closer to my heart, where I could put my talents to use and do something good.
I become incomprehensible to many of my friends, although I understand everyone who has remained at or is growing through the previous stages. But I also understand that my stage of faith is no better than the others; it is simply a continuation of my growth. Yet we are all in the one Body of Christ and cannot exalt ourselves above one another, but are called to help and serve one another more effectively.
What I do sometimes causes a great deal of bewilderment and many questions among those close to me. They begin to consider me strange and mysterious, but I cannot explain to them that I have become different because of the invisible trials I had to endure. God has done something within me that I cannot simply take and return to its former level. Knowing and possessing the depth of revelations and of a relationship with Jesus, it is very difficult to float on the surface and be content with little. I always long greatly to be near Him and for Him to be with me. Our friendship has brought us so close that I cannot imagine life without this relationship. And all my further ministry and my entire life are dedicated to Him.
The family problems and difficulties that often put me out of action and threw me off balance are now perceived by me as ordinary trials over which one should not become especially anxious or stubbornly defend something. We do not live together in order to wage war over spheres of power and influence; but if my life companion cannot live without war, then I ask for strength and wisdom to endure and bear all of it.
But I move farther, and I understand very clearly that I greatly need love—that very agape love without which all my labors and ministries lose their meaning. I do not want merely to understand that I am doing something correctly; I also want to have the right motive in every deed. I see that love must be present in my heart, that a great deal is said about it, and I continue to ask for this gift of Heaven as well.
I believe that God hears me and that He answers, but not as I expect.
He plunges me into darkness. Once again I find myself in a dark forest, and I do not understand why I am treated in precisely this way. It hurts me that I am tormented in this manner, cast into fire and emotional anguish. But I have learned to trust Jesus, and this darkness does not frighten me. I can turn back; I can remain where I came from; but I decide to go on. Once again my values are reevaluated, and I ask God what will come next and what end I should expect. And God, in His love, shows me a beautiful future. I see a cross, I see a man crucified upon it, and I recognize myself. Such a reward astonishes me, but at the same time I begin to understand that the world is capable of nothing more, and this is what awaits me in return for my love, in return for that agape which never fails. And in the crowd around the cross I see familiar faces who joyfully pass sentence upon me. Then I look at the cross and now see the Savior there, Who takes this blow upon Himself. And I realize that I am no better than Christ, and the world has not become better in its treatment of His disciples; but I must choose this in order to move farther. And I do so. I cannot imagine a way back. I do not fear the fire if Jesus is in it; I do not fear the cross if that is what is necessary. Figuratively speaking, I die to this world, although I continue to breathe.
I give my life to Christ and express my consent to everything God has planned for me. I have the choice to go forward, and I take this step of faith. For my soul thirsts for something greater, eternal, and real. I open the door of my heart, and the Lord enters. But He does not bring a hammer and nails; instead, He treats me to Heavenly bread that I have never tasted before. We sit down at the table and begin our meal. He speaks and I listen; then I ask and He answers. I ask what will happen next, and He assures me that He will not leave me in the future either, but will show me great and inaccessible things that I do not know but about which I have heard so much.
And together we enter a new stage of our relationship and experiences.
And I understand that my discoveries at this stage have not ended; they are only beginning. Before me stretches the boundless ocean of God’s love, which I will have to accept and come to know, and I boldly enter its dark waters. Beside me is the One Who will never leave me, but will show and explain everything to me.
Homework 212
In the light of our lesson, please read 2 Corinthians 4:17–18; 5:4–5, 7; Philippians 1:9; 3:17; 2:12–14; 3:8–14; Ephesians 3:16–21; Hebrews 12:2–3; Isaiah 30:15; 2 Corinthians 10:17–18; and Revelation 3:8. Is it clear to you what this lesson is about? What exactly did you understand? Are you familiar with this subject of the stages of faith that we are studying? Why did the Lord establish these stages of faith in precisely this way and in this sequence? Do you know anyone who has reached the fifth stage? Can such people be identified by sight? Do you believe that this stage is accessible to you as well? Do pastors, elders, and church board members automatically reach the highest stage of faith by virtue of their position? Why can the entire Church not go beyond the third stage of faith? Is it difficult for you to answer these questions? Please pray for our School of Love.