When I hear a great deal about love and friendship, read extensively about them, and grasp the theory of this science, a certain vision forms within me of what they should look like in my life. All that remains is to begin this undertaking and plunge into it headfirst.
There is a fundamental law of friendship described in Proverbs 18:24: ‘A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly…’ This principle teaches me that the presence of friends in my life depends first of all upon me and upon my attitude toward those around me. I have tried this method and have become convinced that it works.
Not everyone wants to be my friend, and some people consciously avoid any kind of relationship. But for the most part, human hearts open themselves to mutual friendship.
There is also a difference between friendship and close friendship. Our hearts may be deeply wounded by previous relationships with other people. Sometimes the injuries inflicted cause immeasurable pain to the soul, and your new friends do not want to go through something similar with you. But love sees this and begins tenderly healing hearts and planting its banner within them. We can love one another sincerely without having a close relationship or deep fellowship. Or we can open ourselves to it. Then our knowledge of one another will begin to grow.
A great deal depends upon mutual affection, a shared desire to enter into this relationship, and the decision of both people to continue and sustain it.
The most interesting part of any friendship is its beginning. The purpose of friendship is to enter a friend’s heart forever and place that friend within your own heart in such a way that both of you feel at home there.
There are factors that make us very uncomfortable and create a certain inner barrier that may slow or stop the development of close, heartfelt relationships. These may include:
— a large difference in age;
— not understanding the language your friend speaks;
— not understanding your friend’s love language;
— your friend’s marital status, especially if the friend is of the opposite sex;
— religious disagreements;
— a worldly spirit in the relationship;
— my own marital status, and much more.
But let us take ideal conditions as an example and observe how they develop. I take the initiative in showing friendliness and identify the person who, in fact, is to become my friend. I pray about it. In my heart, I decide to be a friend forever. Then I inform this new candidate for a place in my heart that I have now appeared in his life—a person who has decided to become his friend. Or I may simply suggest, ‘Let’s be friends.’ In any case, the other person begins to understand the reality that he is being invited to enter a new level of relationship that did not exist before. He needs to decide, sort through his feelings and thoughts, and make a choice. This decision may take a couple of minutes or a couple of months. For my part, I am ready to move into the relationship and plunge into it as quickly and deeply as the other person permits. Yet I give him freedom, respect his choice, and proceed at the pace he desires.
The friend has decided to become mine and has allowed me to enter his life. The process of getting to know each other begins. Once again, I ask God to give me that abundance of love and friendship which will enrich my new friend without making him uncomfortable. As we communicate freely, I watch very carefully so that I do not cross the boundaries established by this new gift from the Lord.
If this person is of the opposite sex, I immediately establish my own boundaries by explaining my marital status and assuring my friend that I love my wife and can build our friendship within those boundaries. People usually agree with this approach and do not violate these boundaries themselves.
As my new friend comes to know me more closely, he also allows me to know him. A moment arrives in the relationship when we understand that God has given us to one another forever, that everything between us is pure, and that the Lord blesses us. This is something new and unusual even for me. I do not know what to do next with such a friend, so I decide to take the next step by offering him mutual love according to the commandment of Jesus. The friend agrees without knowing what will come of it. In prayer, we ask God to bless this relationship, relying only upon God’s wisdom and protection, and we plunge headfirst into knowing one another. At the same time, we respect each other’s will, and I continually ask whether I have gone too deep, to which I receive the joyful answer that everything is all right. At such a depth, the Lord begins to show me the treasures of my friend’s soul and open doors that no one has ever entered. With joy, I tell this gift from the Lord how wonderful he is and how many magnificent qualities have been placed within him, thereby delighting and surprising the person with whom I am speaking. I do not merely list the riches I have discovered in his soul, but also explain in detail how they reveal themselves. And my dear counterpart tries to find something similar in me and tell me about it.
The most pleasant and joyful phase of friendship begins: ‘the newness of the relationship.’ We are ready to explore one another, sharing the beautiful things being revealed to us that bring us such great joy. Fears move aside; we desire to know our friend more closely and to reveal more of ourselves as well.
This relationship is so beautiful and pure that our lips continually thank the Lord for such a magnificent gift for life.
A moment comes when you decide to say the most important words—words you have never said to anyone, but now can no longer hold back: the words that you love your friend. You immediately make it clear that this is not human love, but love received from Heaven. Although at the height of the relationship, it can be very difficult to understand how to distinguish between them. Your friend joyfully listens to your declarations and assures you of the same, making it clear that he also loves you with agape love. The fears leave, and it becomes easier and easier to speak about love without being afraid to possess it.
The enemy of the soul will certainly try to distort all this and add something carnal to this union, but God’s law keeps my thoughts from every evil, and nothing causes me to stumble.
I ask my friend to share with me immediately any impure feelings that may take possession of his heart, assuring him that I will do the same.
As I go about my usual affairs, I sustain our relationship and periodically make contact in order to share yet another joy from my new discoveries about the wonderful design of my friend’s soul.
Our relationship moves to a deeper level. In a spirit of love and friendship, we begin discussing various everyday and practical matters, periodically marveling at new discoveries in our souls. We are interested in knowing each other’s opinion and point of view concerning one event or another. With tenderness, we can express disagreement with something we dislike or oppose.
Sometimes, when I see a troubling inconsistency in my friend’s behavior, I do not try to rebuke him directly. Instead, I give an example from my own life, explaining how I understood it then and how I understand it now, allowing him to decide for himself.
We greatly treasure our friendship in Jesus. It becomes easier for us to part with all our sins and peculiarities than to lose one another.
We no longer speak as often about our love for one another; we live and share friendship through that love. It permeates our entire relationship, and we breathe it, although at times we can declare it once again simply to gladden our hearts anew.
And all of this has been commanded to us by Jesus.
Bible Verses for Reflection
Proverbs 17:17; 18:24; Song of Solomon 8:6–7; 1 Samuel 20:17; Psalm 119:165; 1 Peter 1:22; Romans 5:5; 13:8–10; John 13:34–35; 17:26; 1 Corinthians 13:1–8; 16:14; Galatians 5:6, 13; Ephesians 4:1–3, 14–15; 1 Thessalonians 3:12–13.