Love respects every person’s freedom of choice. Respect does not always mean agreeing that a person is right, but it does mean treating even those who deliberately persist in error with kindness.
The other side of respect is that I, too, am a free person, and I do not want anyone to manipulate me or impose the rules of their life on me, convincing me that I must act in one way or another.
Usually, violating these boundaries brings us to a crossroads of opinions, where a relationship may be destroyed or develop a crack. But knowing that this will happen, I can prepare for this trial in advance and calmly explain to the person that my love for him remains unchanged, even if he wants nothing more to do with me. The motto at any such crossroads sounds something like this: “I am right, and you are mistaken.” With slogans like these, it is difficult to maintain friendship and mutual love.
But love is different in that it does not merely desire to love one’s neighbor; it also wants to help that person become himself—to become an individual who will respect himself and understand his value in God’s eyes and in his own as well.
When I give love to a friend, I do not try to bind him to myself or become his conscience. I am interested in his happiness, in his finding the Source of happiness and being able to live independently in that state.
A person who heeds the lessons of love and begins to live this way finds true freedom and begins to value it. He also develops his own circle of fellowship and sphere of influence. He does not have to live up to my expectations of him or become my shadow. Even if I taught him something or was his spiritual mentor, that does not give me the right to tell him how to live or instill in him the idea that without me and my instructions he will become spiritually disabled.
I have met people who said of themselves that they needed to be led and needed a leader. They truly become attached to their mentor very quickly, and this even flatters human vanity; but wisdom is needed here to teach these people to stand on their own and to attach them to Jesus.
The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 4:16: “Wherefore I beseech you, be ye followers of me.” In the process of teaching, there is a time when it is worthwhile simply to teach a person to imitate you in order to help him discover and strengthen certain useful skills within himself. I often use this method when training those who are unfamiliar with German production and construction processes, so that after learning, these people can work independently and be self-reliant without making serious mistakes.
In the spiritual realm, it is also sometimes necessary to set a personal example and ask someone to repeat your actions so that he can feel how this works within him. But if by doing this I bind another person’s will to myself, Heaven does not approve. It is written in Jeremiah 17:5: “Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord.” And verse 7 says: “Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.”
Even the School of Love has a goal: to attach your hearts to the Source of love and teach you to find inspiration in personal fellowship with Jesus, although in this process it is very often necessary to give personal examples and ask you to try doing what worked for me.
And yet, no matter how one teaches, there will always be those who understand love as a loving friend’s service to them. At times they even issue an ultimatum: “If you love me, then…” What will a loving heart answer? “I love you not because you expect it, but because I choose to.”
Love will certainly reveal itself in deeds. But those deeds may not agree with my expectations. For example, I ask God to teach me love and expect that beautiful feelings will now overflow within me, that I will suddenly experience a poignant love for my neighbor and be unable to contain this fire in my heart, and that I will let him know about it and he will be astonished. But what do I actually receive? I simply hate the one who is ruining my life, and the only thing I want is for him to disappear from my sight. Yet the Lord asks me whether I am willing to love my enemy exactly as he is, and I will be given power from above if I decide to take the path of love. I ask for love. And love begins to work within me; I allow God to teach me and endow me with this feeling and attitude. Meanwhile, my enemy mocks me, but I can no longer respond in kind and simply love him.
Manipulating another person’s will may occur not only in a bad and repulsive spirit but also through a kind attitude. I can bind a person to myself by making it clear that I cannot live without him, that I feel sad and lonely, that I am losing my mind, and that when he is near, I can rest and relax. I am not speaking about the family—do not misunderstand me—but even there, another person’s freedom of will is very often abused. And what should I do if I have fallen into such a trap? How can I break free? If I was striving for this and achieved it, I am unlikely to want to change anything. This is not an accident; it has already become a feature of my thinking, and I need to understand this, recognize it, and come to my senses. Without instruction from above and influence from outside, I will not be able to break free from these bonds on my own. But love teaches the laws of freedom and reveals them to the mind.
Nor should one disguise selfishness under the mask of freedom. We should not avoid those who truly need us. Love is also sacrifice. I sacrifice my time, strength, resources, and attachments in order to help, bring relief, strengthen, support, and comfort those who now need it. But I want to do this not under compulsion or out of obligation, but from personal desire, deciding for myself without outside pressure. Of course, there are exceptions. A mother’s calling does not take into account her desire to sleep or rest when something simply must be done; the mother gets up and does it—whether with grumbling or with tenderness, she does it. Love sometimes acts this way as well. My flesh grumbles and groans, but my hands and lips rise and act, and afterward joy and satisfaction may come.
I will never fulfill all your expectations of me. Sooner or later, I will certainly disappoint you. And this disappointment will not be because I am a hypocrite or a deceiver, but because I am free to choose for myself what to do, how to live, how to worship God, how and whom to love, and with whom and how to be friends and communicate. And I do not expect anything more from you or an exception to this rule. I respect your choice, even if you choose what is bad. And I learned this from Jesus. He did many things as He Himself desired, as His heart directed Him, while remaining faithful to the Father’s will. He did not want to go to the cross, but love told Him that this was the only way for me to be saved, and He chose the cross, went to a terrible death, and died with love for me, without depriving me of my right to choose. And I stand and think, “What am I to do with this Jesus?” I make some decision, and the Lord respects my choice. This is how love acts. It gives itself, demonstrates itself, and waits—sometimes waiting without hope, knowing that no one will ever respond. It weeps quietly and forces no one. But it humbly stands at the door of the heart and gently knocks: perhaps someone will hear its voice and open the door, and it will enter, and…
Homework 235
In the light of our lesson, please read Exodus 20:1–3; Psalm 119:45; Isaiah 58:6; Luke 4:18; John 8:32–36; 1 Corinthians 8:9; 10:29; 2 Corinthians 3:17; Galatians 5:1, 6; and 2 Peter 2:19. What did you understand from this lesson? Do you like being free? From what does Christ set us free? How do you understand your own freedom and the freedom of the person you love? Is it possible to be a slave to something or someone and still have freedom? Does my love for my neighbor oblige that person to respond with the same love? When can freedom become a curse for a person? Does freedom imply absolute independence from everyone? Are you free? If so, from what? Are you sure that this is so?