In the Russian translation of the New Testament, God’s new commandment reads: ‘Love one another.’ The Russian words for ‘one another’ literally mean one the other, but I would like to deepen this expression by understanding these words as ‘a faithful friend of a faithful friend.’ A feature of the Russian language makes this possible. This definition contains the true principle of agape love, by which we have deep relationships with one another that lead us to mutual friendship forever.
Love for one’s neighbour carries an element of happiness, though at times only on one side; but love for a friend—especially one who reciprocates from his own principle—gladdens the heart in a special way.
Friends are different, and they have different characters. If I have several close friends who reciprocate my friendship, this does not mean that they also have warm relationships with one another. They may not even know one another, and after meeting, they may not establish a close bond.
The commandment of love tells me that I should have agape for my friend and he should have agape for me; then these relationships will testify to the whole world that we are Christ’s disciples. Unconditional friendship within this unconditional love is precisely the relationship that Jesus desires to see among us.
And He is ready to teach this to everyone. I am not born with such knowledge, nor do I come to such an understanding automatically. If I allow the Holy Spirit to change my heart so that I can love my friend, my mind automatically places a limitation upon such relationships by the principle of ‘if.’ I am ready to love you with agape if you are as you should be according to my understanding. And this condition will appear in all my relationships. But when I ask God to teach me to be a friend and to love rightly, I see in Jesus’ example unconditional love and heartfelt attachment to those who allowed Him to know them. And I decide to apply the same principle in my own life. I see how God reveals to me boundless possibilities and the indescribable love of His ocean of love. The seal of God’s approval holds very well upon a firm surface that does not change with mood or circumstances.
A friend is not my property, given to me by God as a gift of life in Jesus. He is a free person with his own distinctive qualities and rights. The status of friend speaks of the relationship between us, but not of our property and money becoming common. Friendship does not even imply that the members of our families have now become friends. A friend is you and I, connected by a one-sided or mutual decision to be friends. At the same time, we respect the boundaries of friendship to which each of us has a right.
For example, one day I was working near my friend’s home and, without thinking, said that I would now come to his house for lunch, although I was not actually planning to do so. He responded very sharply that in his absence I had no right to cross the threshold of his home. I was surprised by such sharpness, took note of the warning, and afterward never even hinted again that I might communicate in some way with members of his household. I observe this distance to this day. Another friend, however, earnestly asks me to communicate with his wife, because after such conversations peace, love, and mutual respect come into their home. And I gladly do this if there are no obstacles. Having had such different experiences, I cannot give a general rule for relationships with friends, but I understand that they must remain within the boundaries of personal freedom established between us.
If I board the train of trust, I do not check my reason as baggage. I have friends who once decided that all my possessions were our common property, while their possessions were their private property. And since I live in Germany, I must take care of their well-being. Such an approach to friendship tells me that I am regarded as a free filling station, and I have to explain tenderly to my friends that even in Germany there are different people who live in different ways, and even if I do possess something, I myself have the right to decide to whom and what I can give or present as a gift.
Likewise, in spiritual matters I have my own personal understanding and order for arranging my life—how, when, and for how long I should do one thing or another. My personal relationship with Jesus belongs only to Him and me, and no one else can be there except in prayer. Yet in all of this, I also listen to what my friends say, desire, expect, or advise.
We influence one another, and this sometimes helps us do very good deeds that would never have been accomplished alone. But not all friends are competent in every matter. If my friend wishes to help me with electrical work without understanding it, I would rather turn to an unbelieving specialist who can solve the problem professionally. In the spiritual sphere, however, I can ask for help or offer help myself even without being a specialist, while learning from Jesus to do what I have never done before. And the Lord will teach me. Even learning friendship has to begin sometime. In this process, it is very important to be honest with one another.
For example, my friends sometimes tell me that they know I am constantly praying for them, and they thank me for it. I did pray when there was a need, but I do not do so continually. Yet I do not want to disappoint them, so I simply remain silent, burning with shame that I have betrayed their confidence in me and dreaming that I will certainly do better. But when I am honest, I tell everything as it is and try not to bind myself with long-term obligations, which sometimes grieves my friends and disappoints their expectations of me.
I do not want to play the role of a super-friend, understanding that I am a weak person with my own views on life and relationships. At the same time, I very often have to examine my heart and ask God to remove dangerous shortcomings and flaws. And I am learning. Even the principles of faithfulness, unconditionality, and constancy did not come to me without a struggle. At times I wanted to break everything off with someone and forget him forever, but the Lord showed me that He does not treat me that way. The learning process in the School of Love does not always bring me joy and pleasure. Sometimes I complain to Jesus about the difficulties I encounter, because they are too much for me, and He holds out His hands to me as if asking whether I want to receive such a reward for my love and friendship. And I humble myself and understand that I still have much to learn.
Close friends are people who have a trusting relationship, but this does not make me another person’s shadow. Even Jesus respects my freedom and the desires of every person. How modestly He offers the riches of Heaven, and how joyfully He shares them with those who thirst to receive them.
Friendship and friendliness are gifts of Heaven. They are worth asking for and worth learning; and once we have learned them, we should pass them on to people, making them our friends. It is a miracle when a stranger enters your life as a friend and takes his place in your heart for the rest of your life. What could be better? Only mutual love for one another according to the commandment.
Homework 133
What new things did you learn in this lesson? How do you understand God’s command, ‘Love one another’? What is the difference between love for one’s neighbour and love for a friend? Why does agape love destroy all conditions in friendship? What should we ask God for when we decide to become friends with someone? What kinds of relationships are approved by God? And what is important to consider when learning friendship? Do you give this gift to others? Please share. Please read Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, 12; Revelation 3:20; John 15:17; 17:26; Philippians 2:3; 1 John 1:7; Proverbs 8:33–35; Isaiah 58:7–11; Luke 16:9–10; and 1 John 3:23 in the light of this lesson.