And so I begin to recognize my need for God’s love, and my faith grows stronger. The more I reflect upon love, the stronger my thirst becomes. My entire human nature reaches toward Jesus as the Source of love. I call upon Him, and He hears and answers me.
With what joy Heaven watches me! What rejoicing fills the hearts of the angels! One more person will become like Jesus in love. I am under the special protection of God’s grace, and it begins to change my heart, in which something beautiful and unusual will now appear—something I expect by faith. These are the holy feelings, the true love, through which God will tenderly respond to the actions of those near me. What joy! My soul longs for battle and victories!
And now the challenge has been issued. I boldly enter the battle and... confidently fall into the mud. A storm of emotions sobers me. I am confused. I continue and stumble over my sins again. Now I am no longer so confident in my strength. Shame and despair overflow my heart. I feel that I have betrayed God’s trust, and my soul sinks into the darkness of a dark forest. I see the path and know the goal, but darkness lies ahead, and I do not desire to retreat. I cry out to God, but shame makes my tongue speechless. Disgrace becomes my covering. I remember God’s promises of forgiveness and repent with the hope of being accepted. It becomes easier; I continue, stumble again, and fall. My heart is broken. I do not want to see anyone or learn anything. I understand nothing except that I am a sinner who needs a Savior. Yet I have been in the church for so many years, carry out a ministry, and have a position and responsibilities. People look to me expecting spiritual instruction. But I am crushed and reevaluating all my values. I am so ashamed!
Faith in God and His mercy sustains me. I feel His hand and trust His goodness. But a defiled conscience torments my soul. I am a traitor, because I have so greatly failed my Heavenly Friend. Now I timidly ask for love, hoping that I will be heard because the Lord promised this gift and gave it. I now remain silent when facing attacks. Meekness of heart becomes my best defense. I reassess my condition and give everything to Jesus, not knowing what to do next. Yet life must continue. And so I continue without any special emotions.
How good it would be to meet someone who could explain to me what is happening. I pray for love, yet impurity comes out of my heart. I decide to love my neighbor, yet my tongue strikes that person. I desire to think about the happiness of others, yet my eyes see them as sinners who are repulsive to me. Resentment toward the world has wrapped me in darkness.
Who will help me? O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I read what Paul experienced when describing his condition in chapter 7 of Romans, and I see myself. But faith in Jesus helps me continue. I drag myself through the dark forest, hoping that one day all this will end.
My friends do not understand what is happening to me. They have not yet experienced anything similar. Not knowing how to help me, they pray for me and remind me of God’s precious promises. Oh, who could help me see what is happening to me? I read the Bible and find comfort and hope in Solomon’s books, yet my soul remains dark. I pray and believe that it will become better and that this too will pass.
Then I remember a friend who speaks a great deal about love, and I decide to ask him my question. He looks at me joyfully and explains that in this way the Lord is cleansing me in order to free my heart for love, which cannot live in filth. Love does not share its throne with sin and vice. It is love that places me under the pressure of trials and, as though squeezing a tube, presses out all my evil thoughts and habits. They do not return if I give this mountain of cares to Jesus. My task is to bring all this property of mine to Christ in exchange for what He offers me. Hope ignites within my heart. I begin to understand that everything is not so bad. It turns out that this is God’s plan for my spiritual growth and cleansing. I leave all my ambitions in the dark forest and continue by faith.
How good it is when there are people who explain everything at the right time, support us, give us hope, and point out the way. If there is a person in your life who continually speaks to you about love, rejoice that you have such a friend. That person will be able to help you in many ways.
At last, I see light in my forest. I go toward it, and it receives me kindly and becomes part of my soul. I look back upon the path I have traveled and understand that in this forest I left behind much of what had been pulling my ship to the bottom and preventing me from living happily.
I bow in reverence before God and thank Him deeply for these trials, for the cleansing, and for always remaining near and carrying me in His arms.
I am no longer the person I once was, although I have the same name and appearance. Something new has taken place within me, through which I have become cleaner. From now on, I do not boast in my sins as I did before, but work out my salvation in meekness, the fear of God, and humility. I am struck, but it does not hurt me. I am attacked, but I do not respond in the same way. And I understand that I love. Previously I could not even imagine how wonderful it is not to return evil for evil or railing for railing. I did not realize that everything can be endured with meekness of spirit while desiring good for people.
Suddenly I begin to understand that Jesus also traveled this path, that this is what He taught, and that I am simply following in His footsteps and becoming like Him. It turns out to be so simple and so wonderful. Such an experience must certainly be shared. I run to my friends and tell them about my discovery, but they look at me with pity. They do not understand me and believe that I have again fallen into some kind of extreme.
But I love! And I desire so greatly to share it! How wonderful! How interesting! What will happen next?
In the light of our lesson, please read James 1:2–4. Compare these verses with the Kulakov translation, which says: “My brothers, whenever various trials fall to your lot, consider it a joy and know that through the testing of your faith you acquire perseverance. And perseverance must reach its full development in you, so that you may become mature people, whole in character, lacking nothing.” What did you understand from the subject of this lesson? Have you already experienced a similar trial when praying for the gift of love? Does such a condition of the soul frighten you? Do you believe that God’s love is available to you as well? Did Jesus give us an example of how we should love people? Do we always succeed in loving someone on the first attempt?